I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
My vagina just recognized that song.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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