I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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