I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
