apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
