last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize