They should really pass out barf bags in church
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
