worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
