But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
