I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
The feeling are messing with the penis
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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