can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
