I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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