I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
