Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
