If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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