I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
