i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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