did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
