dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
