just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
