Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
