ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
