well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
