I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
It's official drugs can't kill me
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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