I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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