FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
