Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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