he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
