Little spoons don't ask big questions
people are starting to question the shark bite story
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
