saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
