I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
