Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
