Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
His nipple licking is glorious
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