im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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