I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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