I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
