Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
