Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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