he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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