It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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