I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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