I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
