i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Less talking, more tequila
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
