I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
