i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
