I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize