i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
