I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
