Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
