Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
