if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
