matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
