wrigley field is MILF paradise
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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