is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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