I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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