you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
