i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
